Slice of Laodicea

There are aural assaults going on regularly in churches today, as this piece from Christianity Today points out. Volume, many church bands believe, will make up for the fact that the “singers” are actually tone deaf. Churches are now reported to be full of “life” if the state-of-the-art sound systems can make attendees actually “feel” the music, like you would in a club. People totter out into the parking lot after the service, congratulating themselves on having found a church that isn’t “dead.” They won’t be able to say as much about their hearing after many Sundays in a place like that.

I’m all for lay participation in church music. I am not for lay participation in church music when the parties involved have not been gifted with musical talent. Imagine someone being allowed to handle the church books when they are actually innumerate. Think of someone who is so severely dysfunctional in math that he can’t even add a column.

“Yes, yes, but he is SINCERE! God is looking at the heart, after all. Who are you to get snobbish about who can serve in this church? As if God cares!” Well, when the IRS and creditors come calling because of financial irregularities, just remember that line about sincerity.

In the same fashion, we should take care that those who serve in church music actually are gifted in this area. It is not just the musical malpractice of many bands in churches. Fundamental churches are guilty of the same crime. Conservative churches of the Baptist variety have long featured something called “special music.” This is a practice that deserves a long, penetrating look.

I recall one memorable karaoke number at a Southern Baptist church here in Milwaukee several years ago. It was a Sandi Patty soundtrack, and the church singer entered the pulpit, clearly amped about singing the ambitious piece of music. It was so bad that midway through, I felt the pew began to shake. The occupants of the pew to my left and right were trying to control their laughter. The first problem was that the song was intended for a soprano. The singer was an alto. The upshot of the matter was that by the end of the song, the gentle mooing sounds were replaced with a sort of desperate gargling. The once-smiling face became contorted with the effort of trying to hit the notes. The entire last line of the song remained unsung as the erstwhile singer finally came to a complete halt. The thunderous symphonic ending of the Sandi Patti soundtrack continued without any further attempts from the songstress. The singer merely smiled benignly at her victims from behind the pulpit as the last cymbal crash died away. After the last sounds of the karaoke machine came to an end, the church erupted in bellowed Amens. The Amens reflected a general sympathy for the woman, but the tone deaf church leadership took it to be approval. A month later, the karaoke singer was back. This time she had prepared a number with complicated sign language called, “Love in Any Language.” I don’t think I have to describe the scene.

Churches should take a long hard listen to their “special music.” Church isn’t supposed to be about entertainment, it’s supposed to be about worshiping the Lord in His majesty. Traditionalists in Baptist circles who insist on their “musicians” performing music way beyond their abilities do nothing but distract from the purpose of worship in the first place. Laughter isn’t the response church leaders should want to generate in worship. Churches in our denominational tradition often have the choir loft at the back. The musicians facilitate worship, they are not there to glorify themselves and their abilities (or lack thereof.)

The Psalms talk about the Levites playing “skillfully” unto the Lord. They must have practiced. They gave their best. There is an English hymn that contains these lines:

Of the best which Thou hast given,
Earth and heaven render Thee.

Let those with musical gifts help in the facilitation of worship. Those who want to make up for their absence of gifting with volume or karaoke need to take a seat and end the musical malpractice in the church.